HONEY AND ALL OTHERS PLEASE READ THE PREVIOUS POST FIRST AND THEN THIS ONE....OTHERWISE IT WONT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU OR ANYONE ELSE
well:D i know she has problems with telling and showing me how she really feels and this is to show that i understand that:D
i know u wudnt expect this after the previous emotional one but that i put so that u will see how much i really understand that u love me
My darling girlfriend
First when i was with her she was just simply using me and i loved being used by her:P she was my friend with benefits:D and i loved it....and i babbled a bunch of stupid things saying that i love her and want her sooo much and that she should really think abt being together with me as a couple...she warned me and told me she doesnt want it....coz this was perfect for her:P and then slowly she fell in love with me and so did i...but slowly is rather dull...it was fast and i dont know how it happend but soon i found out that i was in love with a beautiful girl and i was crazy abt her....it was intense and i dare say even now we are so much more intense together...so passionate in each others arms and so wonderfuly happy wen we are together...well apart from the rare random occasions maybe once every month or two months...when we used to fight and i used to bite her lips really hard...and i was a bit aggressive during these odd fights...mostly we fighted coz we annoyed the hell outta each other sumtimes:D and u know honey its true wen i say this...we fight over the stupidest smallest things...like i might get annoyed and sooo pissed wen she is in a shop and doesnt know wah to chose and she tells me that she likes those taco chip packets and then tell me that i shudnt buy them coz they are for 4 KM ....and thats expensive and the people in the world are starving....well i know it is my biggest weakness and mistake that i get soo uncontrolably pissed abt this kind of stupid things...and any other girl would have left me if i bit her lips so hard that is gets blue:S i am sorry!!! really...and after like 7 or 8 of these kings of stupid fights she has still been with me and i am sooo happy for that...and i have honestly stopped being like that and i have controlled my behavior at all!!! i am so happy and proud of myself for that actually...and i am so glad that u my darling have been supporting me through all this...and the funny thing abt these things is that she cannot stay mad at me for a long time and i cannot either...we need to be in each others arms almost a few hours after any fight at the max a day after it...i dont know why and i dont know how but i know we need each other and will need each other for a time to come...
now abt her sweetness...she is a girl who hasnt been in a relationship with any guy for more than a month (and so far as i remember she didnt have any real lovers...just like three or four guys in her life that wasnt even considered much of a boyfriend) and she warned me wen we got together that she was gonna break up with me in one month...and wen one month came she didnt break up with me and she said in two months but still two months passed and now next 11th of the month wud be 10 whole months together:D now she doesnt really know how to show that she loves me....but i know she does try hard at it:P and i know she loves me...coz she does things...not so much as i do...but she does sweet things...and those things mean the world to me...she brought me wildflowers once and she does leave me notes on farmville from time to time...and she specially and surely dedicate sum of her little drawings and notes in her note book to me...one time she drew a cute cartoon of me and her...me wearing the striped red t shirt that she loves me wearing...and my big huge blue jeans...my fav jeans....and she drew me in a darker shade of chocolate:P and she also made the my 19th birthday the happiest and most wonderful birthday ever...she left me suprises all day long with things i love... and lets not mention how she loves sharing chocolate with me:P coz i love chocolate and she too.... and wen she writes me a mail or sumthing she does it in a way that it really means so much coming from her heart...even though its rare times that she opens her heart to me...she does it and its increasing ever so often...i know its because she is afraid to truly let herself love and be hurt by a man that she is ever so hesitant in showing it...and she has all these excuses to tell me that she isnt like that...that its not who she is to be like that...but i know she is afraid to love truly and that its a miracle in itself for her to be with me even now coz she simply has hid her heart from everyone and i managed to get to it sumhow...honey i know that you love me a lot....and i know that sumtimes...deep inside of ur heart u want to spend an amazing lot of time loving me...and i promise...that u have my heart in ur hands to chose to do wah ever u wish to it...yeah the red beatin bloody heart of mine:P and no matter wah it takes...i am gonna be with u...for as long as my heart beats in ur hands....dont squish it or throw it or drop it okey:P
now an apology....in all this i havent talked abt the future one bit honey...but now i am sorry but i will mention it a little...i know for sure that tomorrow i will see you and have you in my arms....and i will show to u that u can love me the same as before...without any fear that ur heart might be hurt....
my love i do hope you read this clearly and know that i know how much you love me...and i am sorry to say it...but you love me a hell lot more than i can ever love you....but its in a different kind of way:D and u have proven enough to me that...and plus honey....when we are together...dont we enjoy every second of it:D
te quiero mi vida
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
she's just not that into me
i wonder when i will actually realize this...honestly i don't want to realize this
she's just not that into me...she doesnt need me like i need her...she doesnt love me as much as she used to...and she doesnt even think that i am the guy for her...she doesnt mail me as much as she used to, coz she doesnt like replying to mails...but wah abt sending a mail? she doesnt even have any kind of dreams abt me being in her life for longer than maybe a year more...she knows for sure that i am not the guy that she wants to spend the her life with...no hopes...no dreams...no sort of romantic feelings or ideas abt me...i mean its not much to dream abt sumthing and trying to live that dream...i mean yeah maybe i might not be with her in a year or even a month or even the next week...but right now when she is with me...i wonder why she tells me that she knows that there is no future in us...that she doesnt do too much of an effort to make both of us the happiest...of course i try to keep her happy the most i can...and i know i have made enough mistakes to deserve this kind of response from such a wonderful girl...but i really wonder...no i really wish...that she would atleast make this the happiest time for me while she is still with me...she tells me not to talk abt the future...coz she doesnt know wah it will be...i agree...but if she says that and also says that i should "carpe diem" (seize the day) maybe she should follow her own advice a bit more...and since she is having her days right now with me...why does she talk abt the future and tell me that she dont think we will last soo sooo looong:S why doesnt she tell me that today she loves me the most in the whole wide world and while she does it...why doesnt she show it to me...yeah i am complaining...its true she shows it a lot...but...for her other things are more important...i know she loves me a lot...really a lot...but she should seize her day since she knows for sure that i am not gonna be with her for tooo tooo looong then maybe she should stop and think...what will make this the best possible and the happiest...for both...i no longer think abt the future...i no longer care abt it...but in fact by her saying that she knows she wont be spending the rest of her life with me makes things harder for me...and that is abt the future...and she shouldnt talk abt the future...she should spend every second of her time that she spends with me like she wants to spend her whole life with me...because for her...since she doesnt know abt the future...every day should be her whole life...and i am just being selfish and complaining...i know it and honey if you read this its just a whole bunch of emotional bullshit...dont think abt this too much...
i know that you love me, i know that you care about me...i know that you dont want to leave me...and i know you wont leave me...and i know all this because i know i love you...
and i know also sadly...that ur not so much into me as u were before...and its because of how i was...before...with around seven times that i was uncontrolrably angry and i hurt you...i would give anything to go back and change that...then i am sure u wud still love me like the way u used to...so passionately and like there was nothing else in the world more important to you then me...even if that feeling was short lived due to my mistakes...i still wish if sumhow it wud be like that again...that you wud love me like that again...and it was beautiful....
but if this is wah i have to live with...i am more than grateful that you gave me this much even after how much i hurt you....after all wah i did...i dont think i even deserve this much...but honey its been more than three months since i have truly changed my ways....and i hope that in time that u can come to love me more...not less...for i have surely suffered enough for wah i did...
she's just not that into me...she doesnt need me like i need her...she doesnt love me as much as she used to...and she doesnt even think that i am the guy for her...she doesnt mail me as much as she used to, coz she doesnt like replying to mails...but wah abt sending a mail? she doesnt even have any kind of dreams abt me being in her life for longer than maybe a year more...she knows for sure that i am not the guy that she wants to spend the her life with...no hopes...no dreams...no sort of romantic feelings or ideas abt me...i mean its not much to dream abt sumthing and trying to live that dream...i mean yeah maybe i might not be with her in a year or even a month or even the next week...but right now when she is with me...i wonder why she tells me that she knows that there is no future in us...that she doesnt do too much of an effort to make both of us the happiest...of course i try to keep her happy the most i can...and i know i have made enough mistakes to deserve this kind of response from such a wonderful girl...but i really wonder...no i really wish...that she would atleast make this the happiest time for me while she is still with me...she tells me not to talk abt the future...coz she doesnt know wah it will be...i agree...but if she says that and also says that i should "carpe diem" (seize the day) maybe she should follow her own advice a bit more...and since she is having her days right now with me...why does she talk abt the future and tell me that she dont think we will last soo sooo looong:S why doesnt she tell me that today she loves me the most in the whole wide world and while she does it...why doesnt she show it to me...yeah i am complaining...its true she shows it a lot...but...for her other things are more important...i know she loves me a lot...really a lot...but she should seize her day since she knows for sure that i am not gonna be with her for tooo tooo looong then maybe she should stop and think...what will make this the best possible and the happiest...for both...i no longer think abt the future...i no longer care abt it...but in fact by her saying that she knows she wont be spending the rest of her life with me makes things harder for me...and that is abt the future...and she shouldnt talk abt the future...she should spend every second of her time that she spends with me like she wants to spend her whole life with me...because for her...since she doesnt know abt the future...every day should be her whole life...and i am just being selfish and complaining...i know it and honey if you read this its just a whole bunch of emotional bullshit...dont think abt this too much...
i know that you love me, i know that you care about me...i know that you dont want to leave me...and i know you wont leave me...and i know all this because i know i love you...
and i know also sadly...that ur not so much into me as u were before...and its because of how i was...before...with around seven times that i was uncontrolrably angry and i hurt you...i would give anything to go back and change that...then i am sure u wud still love me like the way u used to...so passionately and like there was nothing else in the world more important to you then me...even if that feeling was short lived due to my mistakes...i still wish if sumhow it wud be like that again...that you wud love me like that again...and it was beautiful....
but if this is wah i have to live with...i am more than grateful that you gave me this much even after how much i hurt you....after all wah i did...i dont think i even deserve this much...but honey its been more than three months since i have truly changed my ways....and i hope that in time that u can come to love me more...not less...for i have surely suffered enough for wah i did...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
the girl with the beautiful smile
te quiero mi vida,
the fading sun as it sets in the into west
her long shadow standing in the cold wind
her blue sea eyes searching as they rest
upon the lone figure that's in her mind
my darling love, i've missed you so much
and your beautiful eyes, i can't watch them sad
my beautiful bird, i'm longing for your touch...
and its true your driving me completely mad...
ohh how my heart beats as she wander into my thought
and how i know that her heart aches more for me
the girl with the beautiful smile, how she has my heart caught
in a grip thats so tight, i dont know what to do or be
the girl with the beautiful smile, makes my life wonderful
and without her smile, my days wont be meaningful
my darling butterfly, please will you take my love
and forgive me for being a big bore?
its true i am obsessed about you my dove
and i love you so much more and more
each day your smile makes me fall in love with you
all over again, the simple way that your eyes shine up
when you smile, the way the cute little wrinkles come around
your eyes, and the way that ur pink lips curl up
forming the most beautiful smile i have ever seen,
makes my life the happiest its ever been
i just hope that i am not too late, in making you happy
that this stupid poem would at least make a smiling puppy
i am confusing and i am hard to be with as you know
but i am glad that your heart is all mine now
and i hope that i make you happy day by day more
so that you'd have something worth holding on for more
may your morning be happy as you see this stupid long poem
you should know that if i were there with you, you should definitely
kiss me so hard as that my lips hurt and my eyes water
coz thats what i deserve for being such an ass
but anyways honey i love you beyond words could ever explain
and i know you love me beyond doubt true, pure and plain
the boy in her thoughts walks up from behind as the sun set,
embraces her in his arms, whispering sweet words
they look away towards the sea, as the last rays let,
and they kiss falling deep into their own beautiful worlds,
te quiero siempre
the fading sun as it sets in the into west
her long shadow standing in the cold wind
her blue sea eyes searching as they rest
upon the lone figure that's in her mind
my darling love, i've missed you so much
and your beautiful eyes, i can't watch them sad
my beautiful bird, i'm longing for your touch...
and its true your driving me completely mad...
ohh how my heart beats as she wander into my thought
and how i know that her heart aches more for me
the girl with the beautiful smile, how she has my heart caught
in a grip thats so tight, i dont know what to do or be
the girl with the beautiful smile, makes my life wonderful
and without her smile, my days wont be meaningful
my darling butterfly, please will you take my love
and forgive me for being a big bore?
its true i am obsessed about you my dove
and i love you so much more and more
each day your smile makes me fall in love with you
all over again, the simple way that your eyes shine up
when you smile, the way the cute little wrinkles come around
your eyes, and the way that ur pink lips curl up
forming the most beautiful smile i have ever seen,
makes my life the happiest its ever been
i just hope that i am not too late, in making you happy
that this stupid poem would at least make a smiling puppy
i am confusing and i am hard to be with as you know
but i am glad that your heart is all mine now
and i hope that i make you happy day by day more
so that you'd have something worth holding on for more
may your morning be happy as you see this stupid long poem
you should know that if i were there with you, you should definitely
kiss me so hard as that my lips hurt and my eyes water
coz thats what i deserve for being such an ass
but anyways honey i love you beyond words could ever explain
and i know you love me beyond doubt true, pure and plain
the boy in her thoughts walks up from behind as the sun set,
embraces her in his arms, whispering sweet words
they look away towards the sea, as the last rays let,
and they kiss falling deep into their own beautiful worlds,
te quiero siempre
Saturday, July 18, 2009
don't say a single word
this is of course a metaphoric story about love, not much of a story but sumthing to read...
dont say a word, coz your eyes tell me more than your words...
he's always in my mind...but i dont miss him... it feels good not to miss him...coz when i was missing him it felt like sumthing inside me was squeezing my insides....i needed to see him...i needed him...i'm so much more happier now...that i am myself again...the butterflies have stopped fluttering around in my stomach...i know i love him...ohhh i love him sooo much...but sadly i dont feel so...uhh how do i explain...so in love with him...i dont feel so crazy...but i do love him...coz he's the best thing that happened to me so far...the only thing that makes me so happy....ever wondered how it is to love someone so madly deeply and crazily...that it hurts sometimes to not be around him...and then...it all stopped...well because he made mistakes...and i dont have the strength or the will to be in love with him...but he is the one person that i love the most and i dont want to lose him and i know i wont ever lose him...coz i know he really loves me beyond any doubt...but sometimes he gets so hurt when he misses me...coz i dont miss him the same way he does...well of course i dont anymore...this is who i am now...before ...i was a bit too crazy...a bit not myself...but then why does my heart still ache when he isnt around...why does my lips miss his touch....why does my heart still feels like its being squeezed when his eyes are not shining happily??? i dont really know...
my sweetest darling...
when i look into your deep eyes...
i find the answers i'm looking for
the tears that have never left your eyes
the wounds thats never been healed
don't say a thing, coz darling your eyes
tell me more than your words
dont say a word, coz your eyes tell me more than your words...
he's always in my mind...but i dont miss him... it feels good not to miss him...coz when i was missing him it felt like sumthing inside me was squeezing my insides....i needed to see him...i needed him...i'm so much more happier now...that i am myself again...the butterflies have stopped fluttering around in my stomach...i know i love him...ohhh i love him sooo much...but sadly i dont feel so...uhh how do i explain...so in love with him...i dont feel so crazy...but i do love him...coz he's the best thing that happened to me so far...the only thing that makes me so happy....ever wondered how it is to love someone so madly deeply and crazily...that it hurts sometimes to not be around him...and then...it all stopped...well because he made mistakes...and i dont have the strength or the will to be in love with him...but he is the one person that i love the most and i dont want to lose him and i know i wont ever lose him...coz i know he really loves me beyond any doubt...but sometimes he gets so hurt when he misses me...coz i dont miss him the same way he does...well of course i dont anymore...this is who i am now...before ...i was a bit too crazy...a bit not myself...but then why does my heart still ache when he isnt around...why does my lips miss his touch....why does my heart still feels like its being squeezed when his eyes are not shining happily??? i dont really know...
my sweetest darling...
when i look into your deep eyes...
i find the answers i'm looking for
the tears that have never left your eyes
the wounds thats never been healed
don't say a thing, coz darling your eyes
tell me more than your words
Thursday, July 2, 2009
lets get started?
insecurities are like a parasite which mutates rapidly and has the capability of destroying everything you have...it multiplies so fast that its practically impossible to stop...
i need to stop...so i'll stop with being an insecure obsessive idiot, coz more than anything else...i fear i might ruin something that i never wanna ruin...
instead...let me tell you a story...no more of a fairy tale?
The kingdom of Illiania
Once upon a time, in a land far far away from our own. There was kingdom of strange, mysterious creatures called Illians. They looked like humans for the most, except they were much more smaller than humans and at a certain age, there body transforms into a spirit like form and they float away into the sky. This story is about a young illian boy. Elis.
As a little boy Elis loved to wander off into the woods and play with the trees and the beauty of the rivers and many hills that surrounded the kingdom. Little did Elis know of the mysteries that lay beyond the forests surrounding the kingdom. It was forbidden for any to wander beyond the woods and it has never been done by any illidian.
One summer evening as Elis was playing alone in the forest with his trusty magical ball he smelled the faint wiff of smoke in the air. Curious Elis wandered towards the direction he thought that the smell was coming. It was already late in the evening and the sun was fast sinking towards the horizon. As the sun shined its last rays of light, the whole forest was slowly falling into the darkness of night...
i an writing bullshit now...damn.... i'll stop this too:D
the thing is...i know i have been rather insecure...and i know its not the right time and that i really dont have any reason to...but i still am insecure:D i simply can't change that...and i am sorry that i cannot change it...
another thing is...i really should stop thinking about this too much...i should stop thinking at all...actually the best advice i've ever had comes from the girl i love....she has always been correct about all the shit and she really keeps it real...and i respect that very much...but its in my nature...in my blood...maybe a curse or not...that i want simply everything i fall in love with...and i am in love with you honey...so madly...actually i think you might have realized that i am this in love with you rather the last few months eh?...well again the point is...
and all this is my thoughts at this late hour tonight....
i want to love you the most...i want to love you like no one ever has loved you....and i am gonna show with every cell in my body and every drop of my blood that i...am...able to love you the way you have never dreamed of...that i am able to change all my bad habits and my obvious agressiveness into a far more decent and meaningful form....that i am who you fell in love with...and i want your happiness....
i need to stop...so i'll stop with being an insecure obsessive idiot, coz more than anything else...i fear i might ruin something that i never wanna ruin...
instead...let me tell you a story...no more of a fairy tale?
The kingdom of Illiania
Once upon a time, in a land far far away from our own. There was kingdom of strange, mysterious creatures called Illians. They looked like humans for the most, except they were much more smaller than humans and at a certain age, there body transforms into a spirit like form and they float away into the sky. This story is about a young illian boy. Elis.
As a little boy Elis loved to wander off into the woods and play with the trees and the beauty of the rivers and many hills that surrounded the kingdom. Little did Elis know of the mysteries that lay beyond the forests surrounding the kingdom. It was forbidden for any to wander beyond the woods and it has never been done by any illidian.
One summer evening as Elis was playing alone in the forest with his trusty magical ball he smelled the faint wiff of smoke in the air. Curious Elis wandered towards the direction he thought that the smell was coming. It was already late in the evening and the sun was fast sinking towards the horizon. As the sun shined its last rays of light, the whole forest was slowly falling into the darkness of night...
i an writing bullshit now...damn.... i'll stop this too:D
the thing is...i know i have been rather insecure...and i know its not the right time and that i really dont have any reason to...but i still am insecure:D i simply can't change that...and i am sorry that i cannot change it...
another thing is...i really should stop thinking about this too much...i should stop thinking at all...actually the best advice i've ever had comes from the girl i love....she has always been correct about all the shit and she really keeps it real...and i respect that very much...but its in my nature...in my blood...maybe a curse or not...that i want simply everything i fall in love with...and i am in love with you honey...so madly...actually i think you might have realized that i am this in love with you rather the last few months eh?...well again the point is...
and all this is my thoughts at this late hour tonight....
i want to love you the most...i want to love you like no one ever has loved you....and i am gonna show with every cell in my body and every drop of my blood that i...am...able to love you the way you have never dreamed of...that i am able to change all my bad habits and my obvious agressiveness into a far more decent and meaningful form....that i am who you fell in love with...and i want your happiness....
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
impossible
readers...u might not understand a shit of whats written here ...my apologies...
i've been trying too hard...trying too hard to make things work...with me...with my life...with my love...with my parents...with my family...
lets start with me and my life...i am glad that i finally made myself genuinely happy with myself...in fact i know i succeeded in accomplishing to do something that i love to do...of course i have made many mistakes...often repeatedly...i've hurt almost everyone i love in some way or the other...but its changed...i've changed...and i really am trying hard not to hurt those that i love the most...but no matter how hard i try...i find myself ending up where i began...but that doesnt mean that i will stop trying to make myself a better person...and i know sooner or later i have to realize that i need to make things better...for myself...
one thing i need to concentrate soon is on studies...i need to...and i want to...to show everyone that i am who i have always been...that they havent lost me...that i am able to... well enough talk about me...otherwise my ego would have me write here all about me for the rest of the night...but basically thats whats going to happen anyways...
my love... right now...i feel like ''the last shit of the world''...(she used to say these words)...i hate putting her into fucked up situations and i've done that over such a long distance too...of course its because i am an inconsiderate idiot... during our whole relationship....i have made her cry more times than i would ever want...i have deliberately hurt her many times...i have made her feel so bad so much...the last few months i've been trying hard not to let anything hurt her anymore...we...our relationship was almost at its end when i truly realized that without her...i am nothing...she hasnt realized that yet...if it wasnt for her...i wouldnt be writing this...i wouldnt even be so happy...(well at the moment i am depressed ) but generally the last 8 months i have been so so extremely happy...i've been trying so hard to make things better again and i think i have managed to save our relationship...but at times...some times i cry...for no reason in particular...at rare moments i feel as if i am the only one who is now trying to make things work...as if this relationship...since i made so many mistakes is only my burden to make it better...
of course i know its not like this...its just that...theres no knowing what the future will bring...no knowing when we will break up so its better to not think about the future...but rather now and what we have...at least this is what i try to think...i try it so hard and sometimes i convince myself... but honestly deep inside me...all i can think about is the future...what i want to have and the past...what i had...and also the present...what i am having...i find this much more beautiful...even if we dont know for sure what will happen...theres always this amazing feeling in dreaming and hoping for things...of course i want to be sure of things...but i know its not possible...but i also am a crazy romantic and your not that crazy but your romantic when you need to be....but your not much of a dreamer...i am someone who loves to dream...to try and look for the brightest star in the night...
i wasnt searching for anything when i stumbled upon you...and our lives intertwined...and we havent been the best of couples but i'm pretty sure we havent been the worst either...and i wish everything can be better...between us...of course right now its pretty darn amazing and i am having an unimaginably happy time with you... only if you could also start dreaming a bit more with me...and not to take things as if its going to end...but as if its never going to end...
my parents.... i dont really talk about them anymore...because...of many reasons...mainly because i know have been a dissapointment to them and they have dissapointed me many times...i do love them both very much...and i want them to be happy and together...but that hasnt happend for the past 14 years...of course i know that there are many out there without parents or with parents that are much more fucked up...but i am much more selfish...i just want my parents to be amazing....but no matter what it doesnt turn out that i am that lucky...there hasent been a week without at least 3verbal fights and at least 1 physical fight between them for as long as i started to breast feed...the youngest memories till the memories of yesterday...its filled with it...of course there has been days without much fighting and there has been nice beautiful days when we spent time together happily....i cherish those memories like a kid cherishing his last candy for the day...of course it sounds so bad but its not all bad...you get used to it and it doesnt bother you much until you lie in bed or your with a friend whose parents are amazing...
my family...the one thing in my life that i cherish the most...my lovely huge family....three sisters and two brothers, one nephew, one brother in law and soon another...and i love them all...and despite this...i am not able to spend much time with them...and i wont be able to for a long long time...i would hate to miss out on the first four years of my little nephew...i wan to be there for his first birthday...i want to be here for so many important days...but i cannot...but atleast i will see the pictures....after this summer the next time i meet my little 7 month old nephew...he probably wont even remember me...and that sickens me...i wish i was able to spend more time with my mother...my sisters and my brothers...i have already missed out on a lot of there lives and i know we are growing farther apart...but there is absolutely nothing i can do...
here i have spilled out so much about how i am feeling and i have no reason not to...of course my mind...heart and soul is terrified of everything thats gonna happen as the sun rises tomorow...i suppose if i am lucky...the suns atleast going to cheer me up a bit...and dont ask me why am feeling like this...coz i dont really know...
this all maybe coz i was carelessly too happy today...
now i'll stop
i love you irene zoller...you do know that your my world...and your my beautiful little butterfly
i've been trying too hard...trying too hard to make things work...with me...with my life...with my love...with my parents...with my family...
lets start with me and my life...i am glad that i finally made myself genuinely happy with myself...in fact i know i succeeded in accomplishing to do something that i love to do...of course i have made many mistakes...often repeatedly...i've hurt almost everyone i love in some way or the other...but its changed...i've changed...and i really am trying hard not to hurt those that i love the most...but no matter how hard i try...i find myself ending up where i began...but that doesnt mean that i will stop trying to make myself a better person...and i know sooner or later i have to realize that i need to make things better...for myself...
one thing i need to concentrate soon is on studies...i need to...and i want to...to show everyone that i am who i have always been...that they havent lost me...that i am able to... well enough talk about me...otherwise my ego would have me write here all about me for the rest of the night...but basically thats whats going to happen anyways...
my love... right now...i feel like ''the last shit of the world''...(she used to say these words)...i hate putting her into fucked up situations and i've done that over such a long distance too...of course its because i am an inconsiderate idiot... during our whole relationship....i have made her cry more times than i would ever want...i have deliberately hurt her many times...i have made her feel so bad so much...the last few months i've been trying hard not to let anything hurt her anymore...we...our relationship was almost at its end when i truly realized that without her...i am nothing...she hasnt realized that yet...if it wasnt for her...i wouldnt be writing this...i wouldnt even be so happy...(well at the moment i am depressed ) but generally the last 8 months i have been so so extremely happy...i've been trying so hard to make things better again and i think i have managed to save our relationship...but at times...some times i cry...for no reason in particular...at rare moments i feel as if i am the only one who is now trying to make things work...as if this relationship...since i made so many mistakes is only my burden to make it better...
of course i know its not like this...its just that...theres no knowing what the future will bring...no knowing when we will break up so its better to not think about the future...but rather now and what we have...at least this is what i try to think...i try it so hard and sometimes i convince myself... but honestly deep inside me...all i can think about is the future...what i want to have and the past...what i had...and also the present...what i am having...i find this much more beautiful...even if we dont know for sure what will happen...theres always this amazing feeling in dreaming and hoping for things...of course i want to be sure of things...but i know its not possible...but i also am a crazy romantic and your not that crazy but your romantic when you need to be....but your not much of a dreamer...i am someone who loves to dream...to try and look for the brightest star in the night...
i wasnt searching for anything when i stumbled upon you...and our lives intertwined...and we havent been the best of couples but i'm pretty sure we havent been the worst either...and i wish everything can be better...between us...of course right now its pretty darn amazing and i am having an unimaginably happy time with you... only if you could also start dreaming a bit more with me...and not to take things as if its going to end...but as if its never going to end...
my parents.... i dont really talk about them anymore...because...of many reasons...mainly because i know have been a dissapointment to them and they have dissapointed me many times...i do love them both very much...and i want them to be happy and together...but that hasnt happend for the past 14 years...of course i know that there are many out there without parents or with parents that are much more fucked up...but i am much more selfish...i just want my parents to be amazing....but no matter what it doesnt turn out that i am that lucky...there hasent been a week without at least 3verbal fights and at least 1 physical fight between them for as long as i started to breast feed...the youngest memories till the memories of yesterday...its filled with it...of course there has been days without much fighting and there has been nice beautiful days when we spent time together happily....i cherish those memories like a kid cherishing his last candy for the day...of course it sounds so bad but its not all bad...you get used to it and it doesnt bother you much until you lie in bed or your with a friend whose parents are amazing...
my family...the one thing in my life that i cherish the most...my lovely huge family....three sisters and two brothers, one nephew, one brother in law and soon another...and i love them all...and despite this...i am not able to spend much time with them...and i wont be able to for a long long time...i would hate to miss out on the first four years of my little nephew...i wan to be there for his first birthday...i want to be here for so many important days...but i cannot...but atleast i will see the pictures....after this summer the next time i meet my little 7 month old nephew...he probably wont even remember me...and that sickens me...i wish i was able to spend more time with my mother...my sisters and my brothers...i have already missed out on a lot of there lives and i know we are growing farther apart...but there is absolutely nothing i can do...
here i have spilled out so much about how i am feeling and i have no reason not to...of course my mind...heart and soul is terrified of everything thats gonna happen as the sun rises tomorow...i suppose if i am lucky...the suns atleast going to cheer me up a bit...and dont ask me why am feeling like this...coz i dont really know...
this all maybe coz i was carelessly too happy today...
now i'll stop
i love you irene zoller...you do know that your my world...and your my beautiful little butterfly
Saturday, June 27, 2009
8 months and 16 days
to speak the truth...the honest truth...i never believed we would last this long...but now i believe we'll go on for a long long time...
i used to say...things change...people change...but feelings...they don't change...they grow more or shrink and disappear... as for one thing...my love for you has grown a lot since i first kissed your eyes...
memories make me smile....they also make me cry...i do get depressed easily and often...the last two years i had more days when i was depressed than when i was truly happy and content...and in the past 8 months and 16 days...i believe i was only depressed on several rare occasions...perhaps only for 15 days in total...and basically not really depressed but sad and angry at myself...
the best thing about having someone else to share your life with is...that you make so many unforgettable memories...the simple acts of bringing the one you love wild flowers to the elaborately planned dinner or date or present...alas the memories you make are not always beautiful...there has been many memories which i would rather be happy to forget than to remember but ultimately these memories too i have to keep in mind...
a metaphor for myself...if i cut myself the same place every time the wound starts to heal...the pain is more and more and the wound never closes...but just stop cutting myself and the wound closes quicker than you expect...the sad thing is the scar lasts a lifetime as a painful reminder...
after 8 months and 16 days together...the one thing that has not even changed one bit is that i am constantly attracted to your blue eyes...not just any blue eyes, just only yours...truth be told, as you already know, the first month i did not love you truly and basically because its impossible to just love truly from the beginning, of course it does not mean that i didn't feel extremely attracted and infatuated to you during that one month...life has been truly a tremendous roller coaster ride with you my love...with many ups and downs, twists and turns...but ultimately the ride as far as 8 months is concerned has been amazingly great...and i know without a hint of doubt that i truly love you and only you irene...
it seems as if i am repeating these words to constantly remind myself and as if to convince myself that i love you, but no...then i can say it only to myself...but i am telling you and the whole world if they want to know...that i have indeed fallen madly in love with you...and unlike all other times, now i am completely committed to the idea of being with you...for as long as we make our relationship survive...
honey you remember...constantly telling me that there's no way to know whats in the future? what will happen tomorrow...i finally have an unarguable answer... i know whats going to happen tomorrow and every other day that follows...at least there is something which i am truly sure that will happen...without fail until the end of time...
i'll love you even tomorrow and every day that follows...i am sure...just as sure as i am that the sun will rise tomorrow also and set tomorrow too and it will rise without fail the next day and the following days until the end of time...just like that, i am sure i will love you till the end of time...
te quiero mucho, siempre i para siempre...mi vida
i used to say...things change...people change...but feelings...they don't change...they grow more or shrink and disappear... as for one thing...my love for you has grown a lot since i first kissed your eyes...
memories make me smile....they also make me cry...i do get depressed easily and often...the last two years i had more days when i was depressed than when i was truly happy and content...and in the past 8 months and 16 days...i believe i was only depressed on several rare occasions...perhaps only for 15 days in total...and basically not really depressed but sad and angry at myself...
the best thing about having someone else to share your life with is...that you make so many unforgettable memories...the simple acts of bringing the one you love wild flowers to the elaborately planned dinner or date or present...alas the memories you make are not always beautiful...there has been many memories which i would rather be happy to forget than to remember but ultimately these memories too i have to keep in mind...
a metaphor for myself...if i cut myself the same place every time the wound starts to heal...the pain is more and more and the wound never closes...but just stop cutting myself and the wound closes quicker than you expect...the sad thing is the scar lasts a lifetime as a painful reminder...
after 8 months and 16 days together...the one thing that has not even changed one bit is that i am constantly attracted to your blue eyes...not just any blue eyes, just only yours...truth be told, as you already know, the first month i did not love you truly and basically because its impossible to just love truly from the beginning, of course it does not mean that i didn't feel extremely attracted and infatuated to you during that one month...life has been truly a tremendous roller coaster ride with you my love...with many ups and downs, twists and turns...but ultimately the ride as far as 8 months is concerned has been amazingly great...and i know without a hint of doubt that i truly love you and only you irene...
it seems as if i am repeating these words to constantly remind myself and as if to convince myself that i love you, but no...then i can say it only to myself...but i am telling you and the whole world if they want to know...that i have indeed fallen madly in love with you...and unlike all other times, now i am completely committed to the idea of being with you...for as long as we make our relationship survive...
honey you remember...constantly telling me that there's no way to know whats in the future? what will happen tomorrow...i finally have an unarguable answer... i know whats going to happen tomorrow and every other day that follows...at least there is something which i am truly sure that will happen...without fail until the end of time...
i'll love you even tomorrow and every day that follows...i am sure...just as sure as i am that the sun will rise tomorrow also and set tomorrow too and it will rise without fail the next day and the following days until the end of time...just like that, i am sure i will love you till the end of time...
te quiero mucho, siempre i para siempre...mi vida
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